Garbled Mind

I am a compulsive eater.  I have an eating disorder.  I am obsessed with my weight.  It consumes my every thought.  Yesterday I woke up with my all time highest weight since hitting my goal over a year ago.  I freaked.  I wrote this weight on my hand with a Sharpie permanant magic marker.  I thought this would help me to control my eating.  It didnt work so well.  I am out of control.  I see a morbidly obese person in the mirror. 

The facts: 

I weigh at least 100lbs less than my highest weight ever. 

My BMI is 26.3 which puts me in the overweight category.

I have exactly 9 pounds to lose to be in the “normal” range.

I have excess skin. 

I wear a regular size clothes.  Not plus size. 

I am in the goal range that I set for myself preop. 

It is very difficult for me to type the facts without adding a “but” followed by something negative about myself. 

I KNOW that John Q Public would look at me as an average thirty something year old women.  Not a morbidly obese women and probably not even fat.  I would guess someone might say that I could stand to lose a few pounds.  My mind’s eye is warped & does not see the difference in myself now vs. 50lbs ago or more. 

I have turned into the WLS patient that I scoffed at.