Food Food FOOD food addiction food eating disorder
I am just fucked. The more I try to pretend that nothing is going on, the more obvious it becomes to me and those around me that I have an eating disorder. I am a compulsive eater. This addiction is no better than a crack addict or an alcoholic- its the same root cause: I cannot control my eating. I have no more control over my food than the man on the moon does.
Each night, I have a plan- Get up- have a sensible meal of greek yogurt with some granola thrown in for texture. Pack a lunch to take to work consisting of a salad w/ lean meat, egg & cheese for protien & a fair amount of salad dressing. Dressing is also to be available for the baby carrot snack so I can dip them. In said lunch box there will also be a bag of popcorn maybe a container of spicy chicken salad & a small roll to put it on. I bought some pinapple & little oranges in case of a sweet tooth. This all sounds so planned and reasonable. Tomorrow- I will either A) forget to pack or take lunch B) take lunch & graze out of it all day and then go out to lunch anyway or C) eat lunch and still have the daily sugar vending machine binge at least once. Possibly more since its a long day of teaching.
When the hell did I ever think it alright to eat candy every day? Most certainly didnt happen at my house growing up. When we had treats, usually oreo cookies, we were allowed 2 cookies as a snack. My kids would have a meltdown if I only allowed them 2 oreos. I always give them 3 or 4 cookies. They think they are getting screwed b/c other kids at school get a roll of 8 or more cookies. Thats a binge for me. In fact, while my little ones are enjoying their 3 or 4 cookies, mom is usually having a binge- grab a few, walk away & consume them. Go back a few minutes later, grab a few, walk away, consume. I will do this over and over. My husband told me recently that he was right behind me, grabbing cookies and eating them b/c he felt like if he didnt eat them right then that he wouldnt get any. He was right. He probably saved me from eating the whole package.
Unfortunately, I just cant put the food down. Other addictions can be removed from your life. You dont have to smoke in order to live. YOu dont have to drink beer to function in life. Unfortunately, several times a day, I have to have food in order to sustain my life. I wonder if I could just abstain from food & have them hook me up with IV nutrition for a while?
I’d eat anyway. I need help. Soon. Its affected me, my family, my husband, my kids, my dogs, my employer, my patients. I suck.
