Garbled Mind

Old photos

rnamy72 — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 10:17:05 +0000

I just turned my brother onto flickr. http://www.flickr.com/photos/turpin-photos/collections/72157616694611057/ He proceeded to upload 1000′s of old scanned photos that he had been working on for the last few years. Each night for the past few days, I have become lost in surfing through pictures of my past and my families past. I feel like a peeping Tom, peering into the window of someone’s house. These people in the pictures are strangers- but familiar strangers.

My mother and sister died when I was 16 in a car crash. I have some memories of my mother- most good- Life went on and other family members came and others died. Looking at these old photos in which over half of the people are deceased brings up great feelings in me. I see lives- FULL happy lives- some cut short- some long and some too long. I see photos of my mother in her glory days- thin, beautiful and not afraid of the camera- always posing, always smiling and always looking snazzy and beautiful. I see her evolve into my mother, our mother. I see her body and her face change- the smile is always the same but the posing and self confidence that is once so apparent seems to be gone- her careless toss of the head and light up the room glow is replaced by the stiff stance of a pose with children. I see myself. I see the self conciousness of being uncomfortable in your own skin. I also see my mom- MY mom. Ordinary- fabulous-beautiful at any weight, any light, any time. What I wouldnt give to see her again, fat or thin, happy or sad, comfortable or not.

In these pictures, I find pictures of myself- weight up, weight down. I then see weight way way down- the glow! The pose! Its there. Only a few times, but its there. Why are we reduced to the size of our ass? Are we any less important because of a number on the scale? I can only remember a handful or less of times in my life that I felt absolutely free of my weight bondage- I was all too aware of being “normal” Walking along a parking lot in a 2 pc swimsuit with a pair of shorts pulled on- feeling “normal” Getting out of a car as a teen in a miniskirt knowing that I looked damn good and that the old flame I was teasing was gonna have a jaw drop. wow- two moments. TWO. Two of the millions and millions of moments in my life. The majority of what else I have felt over the years is uncomfortable- not quite fitting in- worried about what other think- Fully aware that what others think is not nearly as much as my mind has them thinking..

I just went back to look yet again- a great sadness has come, bring me to tears. I grieve for the family I once had. Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother. The american dream. Shattered too early. Bringing with it sadness, sorrow, loss, change and scars. Scars so deep they may never heal nor do I want to go to that depth to bring healing. I can only peek into the past for a bit before my eyes brim with tears. I then come away for a minute only to go back to peer again into the past- so faintly familar but so far away. I realize that life is short- moments come, moments go but it only takes one moment to change the fate of the rest forever. I must learn to grasp today, live in the moment, enjoy the moment, make memories for my kids- happy memories and not memories of mom running from her own skin. Who cares? I know they don’t. Its all in my own head

my son

rnamy72 — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:19:59 +0000

They terminated your mother’s parental rights today. Your day started as any other day, you got up, got dressed and off to ride the big boy bus to school. You skipped off the bus line with your happy go lucky walk- We had just had another pep talk about being nice to your friends and taking a good nap because all big boys take good naps. If you noticed my anxiety, you didn’t show it. I couldn’t help but think of what a life changing event this was for you- and you didn’t have a clue. I cried. I cried for your mom and how she must have felt the day she let them take you away to be in foster care. I cried for her because I know she wanted to do what was best for you but when it came down to this final act- she couldn’t do it. I don’t understand her reasoning or thought process but the outcome is the same. You are now considered a neglected child who is in sole custody of the state. Your dad and I will now be allowed to adopt you after we finish jumping thru all of the proverbial hoops. I ran into your mom at the gas station after it was over. She was buying cigarettes. She greeted me with a hello but didn’t say anything about you. I had my back to her, so had she not called my name when she said hello, I would have not even seen her. She nervously babbled on about her new boyfriend and her lack of employment. She was unable to look me in the eye. I wanted to reach out to her but feared that if I said anything at all, it might start some chain of events. Somewhere, deep inside her I know that she is hurting- I also know that she knew the significance of that day. I tried to explain to you today that I will now be your forever mommy. I explained to you that your mom couldn’t take care of you. That she didn’t know how to take care of you. I told you that she was going to let me take care of you and help you grow up to be a big and nice boy. Your response was a very sad face and that your mom was a nice girl. Your little lower lip suddenly became stiff and big and I saw it quiver. I saw you take a deep breath that sort of caught in your chest for a second. I wish I could take away that sad face. I wish now that I hadn’t said a thing to you. Knowing how to parent you is hard. I don’t know what to do or say to help you to understand what is happening or what will happen in the future. I hope I never have to peer into your sad face with your big blue eyes that get cloudy from the tears that threaten to spill but never do. So, our journey together continues my boy. I hope and pray that I do know how to take care of you. ~ mommy

Sick kid & Sunday Rambling

rnamy72 — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 17:13:10 +0000

I think I have been in the house too long. I probably need to get up, shower & put real clothes on. My little girl has been sick since Wednesday evening. She has had vomiting & diarrhea. She is 7 years old but for whatever reason she just doesnt wake up when she is sick. Its a very scary situation so I have been staying awake at night which is when she is the worst, to watch her. I have washed countless loads of laundry and I am relatively sure that her sheets, bedspread, pillows and mattress pad have been washed more in the last 4 days than they have since they were purchased. Her last major incident was at 2am- she is now sipping on some clear fluids. Yesterday was the same- she was much better during the day but the minute she went to bed all hell broke loose.

Today was the childrens program at church. She had a speaking part but she didnt get to go. My son opted out of participating so he is with his dad. We had a ragingly successful fish fry at the church on Friday night- I worked from 230 until 830 pm. I cannot remember when I worked so hard without a break. I did some minor food prep & major clean up. I bet I did dishes for 3 solid hours. It felt pretty good to work that hard. I wish I could bust a move like that on my house today. I’m draggin because I was up all night. Oh & I’m incredibly lazy.

A few posts back & discussed divorce of a friend. I guess the divorce is well on its way. I have not heard from her nor have I had any contact with her for several weeks. Its been nice. No forced conversations or discussion about things that I am doing wrong in our friendship. I love her and miss her in a way but it’s for the best as we are on two different paths right now. Now that I have taken a step back, I can see that there is just a natural growing apart process. No ill feelings here- just normal process. I know that she will be cold & angry when I do see her or talk to her. That is not my problem. I tried & it didnt work out. I am sure I have alot of ownership of that because I don’t really have any long term friends. Thats just how it is. I probably am not going to change.

I get to go back to my WLS support group on Saturday. I have missed the last 9 weeks due to the DCFS classes. I can hardly wait to get back. I think that my friend Christen & I are going to take a roadtrip out of state for the day when we get done. She has a family member who needs to be driven home to Indiana (I think)

Fantastic day- NOT

rnamy72 — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 23:18:00 +0000

My son had a dental appointment today to have two teeth extracted in preparation for ~~our 2nd mortgage~~ his extensive orthodontic work. We had to wait for a half hour before they called him back. While I was waiting, I had the pleasure of another person in the waiting room who either had a severe bladder infection or was extremely nervous. He got up & went to the bathroom at least 25 times in the hour that I sat with him. Three times it sounded as if he used the facilities but the other 22 times he filled up a tiny plastic cup with water which he drank very loudly followed by a heavy sigh.

Anyhow- the best part:

THE DENTIST PULLED THE WRONG TEETH. Yes, 2 teeth. My son is now missing his lower teeth when he was supposed to have had his two upper teeth pulled. I nearly had heart failure.

Anxiety

rnamy72 — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 21:58:11 +0000

Do you know what anxiety is? Do you know what it is like to live with anxiety every single day? Every hour, every minute? I do. I cannot relax. My shoulders feel like they are attached to my earlobes. They are always in a shrugged position. A few months ago, a complete stranger came & asked me what was wrong with my shoulders or neck? I looked at her with some strange face & she explained to me that she was a massage therapist and that I looked absolutely miserable walking around in that position. I should explain here that I was running around trying to coordinate a carnival at the elementary school. This women knew me- I’m co-president of the PTO- and she was a volunteer. She offered to try to help me loosen up the muscles after I told her that I was so tense that I had a headache in the back of my head. She rubbed out my shoulders & asked me to relax them. This was one of the first times that I realized that my shoulders were up. I am now very aware of it. My shoulders are up all the time. This causes me to have tense muscles and eventually muscle spasms and headaches. I have developed neck pain in the last month or so. I have been prescribed pain medicine and muscle relaxers.

I am waiting for the next bomb to drop. Always worried about things that are completely out of my control. I spend more time thinking about how to do something half ass than the time it would take for me to do it right. I worry about other peoples problems- alot. Too much. I am mostly self absorbed. I think my issue with other peoples problems is more of a nosiness factor but some concern too.

Food Food FOOD food addiction food eating disorder

rnamy72 — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 05:12:24 +0000

I am just fucked. The more I try to pretend that nothing is going on, the more obvious it becomes to me and those around me that I have an eating disorder. I am a compulsive eater. This addiction is no better than a crack addict or an alcoholic- its the same root cause: I cannot control my eating. I have no more control over my food than the man on the moon does.

Each night, I have a plan- Get up- have a sensible meal of greek yogurt with some granola thrown in for texture. Pack a lunch to take to work consisting of a salad w/ lean meat, egg & cheese for protien & a fair amount of salad dressing. Dressing is also to be available for the baby carrot snack so I can dip them. In said lunch box there will also be a bag of popcorn maybe a container of spicy chicken salad & a small roll to put it on. I bought some pinapple & little oranges in case of a sweet tooth. This all sounds so planned and reasonable. Tomorrow- I will either A) forget to pack or take lunch B) take lunch & graze out of it all day and then go out to lunch anyway or C) eat lunch and still have the daily sugar vending machine binge at least once. Possibly more since its a long day of teaching.

When the hell did I ever think it alright to eat candy every day? Most certainly didnt happen at my house growing up. When we had treats, usually oreo cookies, we were allowed 2 cookies as a snack. My kids would have a meltdown if I only allowed them 2 oreos. I always give them 3 or 4 cookies. They think they are getting screwed b/c other kids at school get a roll of 8 or more cookies. Thats a binge for me. In fact, while my little ones are enjoying their 3 or 4 cookies, mom is usually having a binge- grab a few, walk away & consume them. Go back a few minutes later, grab a few, walk away, consume. I will do this over and over. My husband told me recently that he was right behind me, grabbing cookies and eating them b/c he felt like if he didnt eat them right then that he wouldnt get any. He was right. He probably saved me from eating the whole package.

Unfortunately, I just cant put the food down. Other addictions can be removed from your life. You dont have to smoke in order to live. YOu dont have to drink beer to function in life. Unfortunately, several times a day, I have to have food in order to sustain my life. I wonder if I could just abstain from food & have them hook me up with IV nutrition for a while?

I’d eat anyway. I need help. Soon. Its affected me, my family, my husband, my kids, my dogs, my employer, my patients. I suck.

Bounce down

rnamy72 — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 16:57:42 +0000

My weight is one move again- today its a bounce down. My BMI today is 25.7 Today I need to lose exactly 4.6lbs to be “normal” I am still depressed but I’m less depressed. The bad thing is that I had to be sick as a dog to lose the few pounds. My daughter had a stomach virus earlier in the week and I know that I have the same thing. These virus’ act differently on someone who has had their digestive system cut up. We have the horrible feeling that I need to puke right now but since our stomachs are no longer attached to the upper digestive system/mouth we do not vomit. So as I type, my stomach is heaving, my mouth is watering & I wish to the heavens that I could relieve it. But i cannot. It will pass in about a half hour which seems like an eternity. This reaction is totally my fault because after not having anything to eat or drink overnight, I was feeling pretty good. I decided that a bit of diet orange soda & a few saltine crackers were in order. My stomach thought much differently.

My husband injured himself on the job last night. He hurt his back/hip while using a pry bar. Normally he has a very high pain tolerance so the fact that he was hauled out of there on a stretcher gave me pretty good indication that he did it up real good. The ER reports that they isnt any fractures but suspects he tore off one of his supporting muscles in his lower back. They shot him full of heavy duty pain meds & sent him home. He was non ambulatory & vomiting from the pain. WTF. His work wants him to be seen in their medical department today before he starts his shift. There is no way he can work- he cant walk. I am not sure how we are going to get him in the building. Fun Fun.

OH! One last tidbit- As of March 1, I am three years out from my WLS. I got a letter from the place where I had my surgery done at. The place that specialized is weight loss & people LOSING weight cannot spell losing. Yep, the letter says loosing. Freaking idiots.

Compulsive Eating

rnamy72 — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 02:42:37 +0000

I am a compulsive eater. I have an eating disorder. I am obsessed with my weight. It consumes my every thought. Yesterday I woke up with my all time highest weight since hitting my goal over a year ago. I freaked. I wrote this weight on my hand with a Sharpie permanant magic marker. I thought this would help me to control my eating. It didnt work so well. I am out of control. I see a morbidly obese person in the mirror.

The facts:

I weigh at least 100lbs less than my highest weight ever.

My BMI is 26.3 which puts me in the overweight category.

I have exactly 9 pounds to lose to be in the “normal” range.

I have excess skin.

I wear a regular size clothes. Not plus size.

I am in the goal range that I set for myself preop.

It is very difficult for me to type the facts without adding a “but” followed by something negative about myself.

I KNOW that John Q Public would look at me as an average thirty something year old women. Not a morbidly obese women and probably not even fat. I would guess someone might say that I could stand to lose a few pounds. My mind’s eye is warped & does not see the difference in myself now vs. 50lbs ago or more.

I have turned into the WLS patient that I scoffed at.

Leprechauns in MN

rnamy72 — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 02:19:51 +0000

My husband was recently seen at the Mayo Clinic in MN. Amazing medical facility- I have personally worked at Barnes in St. Louis- I thought that was big. Barnes has overhead & underground tunnels that connect the surrounding medical campus’. Mayo has an underground pedestrian subway system which we used not only for access to the hospital from our hotel but for exercise. My husband spent most of this time huffing & puffing but I really enjoyed it & would love something like this at my disposal. Yeah, the local Walmart or mall is good but I almost always get distracted by a sale or someone I know so its most ineffective for cardio workout. Plus, I have a 10 lb purse & car keys to deal with here. In MN, I only had the hotel card key thingy.

So.. Leprechauns you ask? I heard them EVERYWHERE but never saw them. The sometimes overtook the body of the person speaking to me. “Welcome to MinneSODA!” Its all about the O which reminds me of the little frosted Lucky Charm guy. Its magically delicious! I was driving my husband crazy with using their accent.

Our trip was nice- my husband got good news & we got along fabulously. Wish it would have continued on the home front but whatever.

Divorce a friend

rnamy72 — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 10:01:54 +0000

My oldest friend & I are having some growing pains. We have know each other forever- She is the person that I have known for the longest amount of time that I still call a friend. We met during my senior year of high school and we became fast friends. We have had some absoulutely fantastic times together. Our friendship lasted through us going to very different colleges and going different directions with our lives. I married quickly after graduation, immediately became a foster mother and later had my own children. She married but unfortunately divorced after a short time. During the period of her courtship with her husband, our relationship grew very distant and strained. I am not sure of the exact nature of the problem but I believe her husband didn’t care for me too much. I don’t blame anyone, it just seemed to be the natural turn of events. We talked occasionally and even tried to hang out together with our families to do dinner etc. Their relationship took a major turn and they divorced very quickly. She & I were immediately close again. I have to say that when she married this man, I was not invited to the wedding. I was told that the wedding was for close family only however when I reviewed the pictures, I noted that her boss/friend was present as were some other friends of hers. My feelings were hurt but I never verbalized that. I was just so happy to have her back in my life.

My marriage fell apart a few years later after 8 years & two kids. I was no saint. My friend was there with the voice of experience. She encouraged me to deal with separating myself financially to protect myself & went with me while I closed bank accounts, got credit reports & made calls to cancel credit cards. We had hung out pretty regularly after her divorce and saw each other at least weekly to do something together. When I began to go thru a period of time shortly after this were I was obsessed with finding a new mate, she got angry. Completely justified anger- we would go out & I was boy crazy & would flirt with anyone and everyone. She later explained to me that she felt like I stepped on her toes. She ended up becoming very angry with me, separating herself from me (and I was CRAZY) however she started a relationship with my ex husband. Not a sexual sort of relationship- it was purely friendship- however she and he had many conversations about me and how horrible I was and all the things I did to them etc. This was very hurtful to me. My ex husband had even discussed how he thought it was weird because he always felt that she really didnt care for him too much and suddenly they are buddies. They went camping/floating/bar hopping & just hung out. Same stuff that she & I did together. I had sent her an email asking her if there was a problem & why I was getting the cold shoulder & she sent me a nasty reply. We didnt talk for a long time. In fact, I called her after I remarried to try to make amends for the things that I had done wrong in our relationship. I missed her. It was a slow process but we were able to patch things up. I have never quite gotten over the pain of her hanging w/ my ex & feeding him private information that she and I had shared but it wasnt about me. I just wanted my buddy back. Things were going well. She was riding with a friend of mine & we were all having a blast. This particular friend of mine is a man whore & he uses women like I use kleenex. She knows this but chose to get intoxicated & get involved with him. He was game but when he realized that she was having feelings & introducing him to her parents and such- He freaked. He ended it immediately. I dont think our relationship has been the same. I will not discuss the situation with either her or him. I love them both. I didnt want them involved because I know him & I know her & I didnt want anyone getting hurt or feeling used. Ever since this situation, my friend & I have grown apart. I took her out for her birthday in the fall and then didnt see her again until January to exchange Christmas with her. We used to talk daily and now its less than once every 2 weeks. She has met someone that she has shared her feelings about him with me- she expressed that he was very very nice, easy to talk to etc but she just wasnt physically attracted to him. She had agreed to see him again but she just didnt feel the connection. I called her yesterday & asked how things were going- was she still seeing him etc. She said “who?” I am horrible with names & this gentleman has an unusual name not to mention she talkes to NUMEROUS men via email & phone so I’d need a notebook if I were going to keep them straight. I laughed and said.. gosh, I know its a different name & you know how I am with that. She responded very coldly “It’s just not important enough to you to remember” WTF? Last we talked about him- he was too fat & she was not attracted to him. Didnt sound like anyone I needed to remember. This is the third time that she has said something pretty rude to me that I have not really responded to. I guess I need to address it but I’m thinking that letting the relationship fade away is probably the best. I would love to ask what is up but that is what caused her to flip her lid last time. I surely don’t need her hanging with my ex again. I really don’t care, I dont have anything to hide but jeez.. kick someone would ya?

Sooooooo yeah.. this was a blubbering idiotic post. I’m insomnic. We are traveling to Mayo clinic in a few hours. I cant sleep.

Tell me- do I divorce her officially or do I just let it go?